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ROBERT KELLY @ THE STRESS
FACTORY 7/26/03
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Greetings
fellow CringeHumor.com visitors, and welcome to
another poorly written review by the fat titted goose.
We here at Cringe Humor (which will now be referred to
as CH for you hipsters) try not to show any favoritism
to any of the featured comedians. When it comes to
Robert Kelly though, we can't help but be biased. Not
only is he one of the funniest performers in the world
of standup comedy, he's also the coolest fella off the
stage too. More details on that later on in the
review.
Robert is
so funny, he is actually worth the drive to AWFUL New
Jersey.Yes folks, us faggy Long Island natives despise
the entire state. Take New York from about 15 years
ago, move it south a little bit, and voila! you have
the Garden State. New Jersey is like New York with
AIDS. It's not the fun type of AIDS you would get
doing cocaine and having promiscuous gay sex in the
back of Club 54 either. More like the AIDS your
grandfather would catch due to an HIV infected blood
transfusion. If you're reading this shit, and you are
from NJ, go outside and start walking Northeast.
Within a few days you will reach New York and your
life will be 100x better. If NJ was a standup
comedian, it would be Dat Phan. PS - Kevin Smith &
Springsteen suck K THNX.
Actual
picture of someone in the audience
Keep in
mind that we attended both the 8pm & 10:30pm
shows. First up is a review of the 8pm event:
So
anyways, buried among all the fucking parking garages
and one way streets, The Stress Factory resides on the
lovely & scenic Church Street. The one & only
time I ever went to the Stress Factory was in November
to see the adorable Jim Norton kill. At the time I
loved the Stress Factory (which will now be referred
to as the SF for you hipsters), as the silly antics
& pre show hijinks were well received by us all.
Sadly, the novelty has worn off the 2nd time around
and it just comes off as uber lame. One of the cute
little gags involve a camera going around the room and
focusing on certain audience members. A cute little
message will pop up and zing whatever person it is
focused on. Of course I became a victim of this little
charade as the message "Clap if he's gay!"
popped up and of course the silly wise acres around me
applauded. It was later revealed that Robert himself
ordered the person controlling the camera to single me
out and hurt my already fragile esteem even more :(
Once the
ol' camera gag ended, the silly prank call gag was up
next. To summarize the concept: you basically are
given a little info card where you fill out and devise
a plot to prank call someone you know. All of the
forms are then submitted to the person making the
prank call on stage, and he chooses which scenario he
thinks would leave the audience in stitches. The pay
phone (which is visible in every stage shot at the SF)
is hooked up to the mic and we can hear the person on
the other end respond. Are you with me still? Good.
The person making tonight's phone call apparently is
one of the bartender's there. He should have stuck to
serving tonic & gin as the call was about as funny
as a stubbed toe. The premise was basically one of the
couples got into a fender bender due to the woman
giving her boyfriend oral treats. The bartender called
the girl's parents as a local police officer. The call
took a turn for the worse as the dummy bartender said
"They were in an accident tonight". The
mother on the phone sounded horrified and even the
couple who set up the call groaned & asked for the
call to end.
By this
time the crowd was simply dead. It didn't get any
better as tonight's MC was announced. A fella by the
name of Vinny Fallon made his way to the stage to a
sparse reaction. I have been to dozens upon dozens of
comedy shows over the past few years, and this
"comedian", Vinny, was perhaps the worst
performer I have ever seen take the stage. I'm not one
to judge any comics, I don't have the balls to get up
on stage & perform, but jeepers creepers - he was
the worst.
His
material was weak & very hackish. His delivery was
even worse, as he sounded like Kermit the Frog and
would never slow down & shut up for a second or 2.
He also resembles a fat John Denver - in fact if they
were to dig up Denver's bloated maggot filled corpse
and put him up on the SF stage, it would have been
funnier than the comedy vortex we were all sucked
into.
It was so
bad, someone even yelled "you suck!" in
which the entire audience quietly agreed. The comedy
vortex finally came to an end after 10 hellacious
minutes that seemed to last for an eternity. Vinny
then announced a fella by the name of Mike DeStefano
and the crowd was unfortunately out of it.
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I've
never heard of Mr. DeStefano until the show,
and this saddens me. He really is a solid
comedian, and he slowly brought the crowd
back to consciousness. Mike hails from the
Bronx and you can tell just by looking at
him he's been to hell & back. His act
mainly consists of childhood stories from
the old days when men were men. My favorite
bit of his involves a little game he plays
in mall parking lots. I won't ruin the joke
by typing it here, but it segues perfectly
into his displeasure for white kids who
think they are black.
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About half
way through, you could see Mike look up at the red
"wrap it up" light. His face lit up it with
agitation as he hadn't even begun to get into a
groove. He had to cut his act short due to the comedy
vortex that was on before him. Mike ended his act and
the crowd gave him a solid & appreciative
reaction.
Vinny
Fallon then took the stage once again and stood there
silently waiting for the staff the SF to light up a
birthday cake for the Sweet 16 party that was in
attendance. This once again killed the flow of the
show, as no one outside of the party bothered to sing
to the rather attractive birthday gal. After the
awkwardness ended, the man himself was set to take the
stage.
I've been
such a Negative Nancy throughout this review, but here
is where the love & adulation begins. Robert takes
the stage and right away begins to kill. He's busting
out all of his classic crowd pleasing shit, and the
crowd is loving it. There are no lulls at all in his
act, he gets a solid reaction after every joke he
tells and it's all rapid fire.
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| Robert
starts off the set with his always hilarious
"Where you from bitch?" routine. This segues
perfectly into his tollbooth employee worker bit.
Robert then tackles issues like war protestors, Usama
Bin Laden, common courtesy in public places, $500 fine
for shitting in public, masturbating during a cloudy
day, baby talk between couples, crickets crawling into
his peehole, etc. He makes such great observations,
and his reactions to whatever situation he's
explaining are always dead on. He doesn't need to use
an off the wall style to get laughs. His energy on
stage is phenomenal, and he never overdoes it or comes
off as trying to force it. |
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| Some other
bits I simply love from his act consist of him
explaining the difference between how men & women
react when someone scares them. "Could you
imagine being scared by a monster? You'd get Down
Syndrome for like half a day". Robert then plays
the part of someone stricken with Down Syndrome and
this causes everyone to fall out of their seats. **To
see a shitty yet exclusive low quality video clip of
Robert acting retarded, click
here (video is about 3mb, .avi format)**
Another bit consists of
how children reacted whenever school was closed due to
the snow. "That's the closest you ever got to
having an orgasm when you're 7 years old". He
even went on to say that even though the DC sniper
attacks were fucked up, you know there were kids in
the area hoping their teachers were shot. Robert
followed up that statement by hilariously mimicking a
school boy pretending to be the sniper, and used the
microphone stand as a rifle.
There is just so much
more great shit scattered throughout his entire act, I
can't even begin to describe it here. Another classic
of his consists of him telling us about the time he
visited an Asian massage parlor for some "happy
ending".
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The
masseuse apparently began blowing into Robert's
asshole and he began to question whether or not him
enjoying it makes him homosexual. "Does this make
me gay? Fuck it, I'm gay. I'm a faaaaaaaahhhhhhgit".
Robert then sticks his rather ample ass out for the
entire crowd to see and begins to sing a rather
feminine song ( I shall find out which song it is
exactly soon) and everyone is just floored!
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| Sadly, thanks to the
inane bullshit that went down on stage before him,
Robert had to cut his act short due to everything
running late. Robert wrapped up his insane performance
and salvaged what could have been an absolute train
wreck of a show.
Afterwards we all
greeted and commended Robert on his solid performance
even though he was heavily restricted due to things
running late. We were re-seated as people started
filing in for the 10:30 pm show.
| The 10:30 show
kicked off, and everyone seemed more relaxed
& into it this time around. Vinny Fallon
was thankfully not MCing the show, as club
owner Vinnie Brand did the honors this time
around. Mr. Brand took care of the silly
phone call antics and it went over well with
the rowdy late night patrons.
Mike
DeStefano took the stage, and seemed a lot
more relaxed. He had more time up there and
did a ton of new shit that wasn't featured
during the 8pm show. He talked about his
retarded cousin Raymond which made me howl
so loud he even paused to see where the
laughter was coming from.
Robert then
took the mic, and like his predecessors, had
more time on stage in a more comfortable
atmosphere. He substantially changed up the
flow of his act from the earlier show and
you can just feel he was in his groove.
The crowd felt
it too throughout the 50 minute set, and
Robert received an even bigger ovation this
time around. So
a word of advice for those of you who are
still trying to make it through this review
- if you are only attending one show, stick
to the late night one.
Kristen (my
partner in crime for the night) & I then
headed to the bar area where Robert was
greeting & handing out stickers to
everyone leaving the place. We met up with
another member of Robert's forum, Gina, and
her friends. We shot the shit (or chewed the
fat - ur choice lollerz) with Robert there
well after everyone left. He gladly took
pictures with us all, and even fondled by
hideous bitch tits, much to my delight:
Us Robert
Kelly fans are in for a treat. Robert gave
us full details of the upcoming re launch of
his site. His current site is amazing as is,
but this one will blow the current version
away. I won't ruin any of the surprises
here, but when it is launched, I guarantee
it will even blow away Dane Cook's amazing
site. Robert also discussed his upcoming cd
release, and the cd itself will be packed
with tons of great CD-ROM features that will
make fans like us drool. A total of 6 shows
were recorded in Kansas City, and the top
notch stuff from each recording will be
featured on the finished disc. The estimated
release time will be sometime in September
and will be available through http://robertkellylive.com
and other online retailers.
After talking
for about 45 minutes, Robert asked if we
wanted to all get a bite to eat. We decided
the legendary Grease
Trucks would be the place to go. We
played a game of follow the leader for about
20 minutes trying to find the location of
this fine dining locale. Never ever follow
Robert when driving. He got us good by first
putting on his left blinker, then his right.
He then put on his hazard lights. Kristen
& I thought he was trying to get our
attention, so we sped up alongside of him.
As soon as we made eye contact he looked
away and sped off. We were had by the
comedic genius once again.
We finally
found The Grease Trucks, but sadly they were
closing up shop as soon as we arrived.
Robert & I both were looking forward to
a "Fat Bitch & hold the pussy
juice" sandwich but it wasn't meant to
be. Robert asked one of the truck owners if
there was a diner nearby and we were
directed to the Somerset on route 1.
Weary &
famished, we stumbled into the diner. Robert
went to go smoke outside as our water &
menus were handed out. His menu was situated
on the table right up against one of the
glasses of water. Robert came back and
spouted out "How funny would it have
been if I left you all here?". As soon
as he said that he bumped into the menu and
spilled water all over his balls. Yes folks,
Robert was indeed attacked by the
PissThePants Monster.
I
hate you, you killed my grandmother!
Our
waitress, who was Asian, took our orders. In
between each of us giving our order Robert
would recite a line from his hilarious Happy
Ending bit. He would mutter "what? blow
into my ass?" loud enough that I could
hear. Of course I laughed like a retarded
Japanese schoolgirl as the waitress looked
at like I had 2 heads. She then asked to
have the menus back, but Robert hugged them
and politely asked "Can I hold them for
another 5 minutes?". The uncomfortable
fake smile on her face was priceless.
Hey,
more fucking cheese!
While
consuming our various meals, Robert shared
several incredible stories from his past.
One of them involved him being caught
fucking a sink in a juvenile hall, along
with several other tales of him being caught
whacking it by various friends & family
members. We then discussed how great it is
giving and receiving a rimjob is, and also
compared ejaculation stories.
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After
chilling in the diner for a few hours, we
eventually congregated outside in the
parking lot where Robert shared more
timeless classics. He recited the hilarious
tale of Ming Lo & Papa San, a bedtime
story about his Asian webmaster that he
originally told us in chat one night. Ming
Lo came from a very strict family that only
wanted him to drink tea. But Ming Lo had a
strong love for coffee. Ashamed and fearing
that his family would disown him, Ming Lo
secretly got a job at Starbucks to feed his
coffee addiction. One day while working at
Starbucks, Ming Lo peered outside the front
window and saw Papa San tongue kissing and
groping a hairless 9 year old Phillipino
boy. Ming Lo was shocked and immediately
went outside to confront his father. Both
Ming Lo & Papa San then simultaneously
realized they both had shameful obsessions.
Papa San told Ming Lo that he could drink
coffee, as long as he could have sex with 9
year old boys. They both made a pact and
embraced one another right then & there.
Papa San then threw down the 9 year old boy
and squashed his head like a tangerine.
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it was around 5:30 am and the sun was
rising. Robert finally called it a night as
we were all fatigued from laughing so damn
hard. This
was one of the greatest nights I've had in
years. My attempt at trying to capture it in
this review was pathetic, and I hope you
enjoyed some of it.
If Robert is
performing anywhere near you, you MUST go
& see him. Everyone we have told to go
see Robert agrees that he is one of the
funniest fuckers around. He is on the verge
of joining the upper echelon in the world of
comedy, and I encourage EVERYONE to check
him out before he's making millions and
living out in Hollywood.
Once again,
we cannot begin to thank Robert enough for
what he has done for CH. He has told
seemingly every comedian he knows about this
site, and it is growing larger each &
every day. He always has time for us and we
are forever grateful towards him.
To learn more
about Robert and to see when he is coming to
your town, visit http://robertkellylive.com.
Also pick up his CD when it is released,
full details will be posted on CH when the
time comes.
Thanks for
reading this shitty review, and if you're
from New Jersey, feel free to threaten me
via email.
Love,
Patrick |
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