Patrick from Cringe Humor bringing you the first ever audio interview with one of the funniest men in all of New York, if not the world of comedy, Robert Kelly.
Robert Kelly: You really stink at this, don't you?
This is my first ever one! I'm fuckin awful, I admit it.
RK: Didn't you rehearse this before you fuckin...?
I gotta do the little intro.
RK: I know you do, but first of all; do you have to go back and forth between you and me with your little fat wrist?
(laughs) The range on this thing is fuckin awful, so yeah, I have to go back and forth.
RK: Why don't you fucking spend some cash and fuckin get a nice one?
This was 80 dollars.
RK: Come on.

We'll start with generic questions. How did you get into stand up comedy? When did you decide this was going to be your path in life?
RK: I was raped by a clown. Brutally ass raped at Barnum and Bailey Circus in Boston, Massachusetts by the pier. This clown stuck his little fucking red horned nugget into my plump little fuckin' Filipino ass and I didn't say "ouch". He laughed. Dude, I looked at his face at him laughin', fucking me in the ass; the visual made me laugh. And then he slapped me on the ass and said "you know what kid, you're pretty funny, I'm not gonna finish."

(crazy homeless Mike interrupts)

RK: What'd you say, Mike? Come here. Say it to him. Right here, say it in this.
Mike: (mumbles something unintelligible) Hello, Colonel.
RK: Mike, how did I become a comedian?
Mike: He fell into it. From someplace we don't know anything about... I mean, really. There was something about a glue in watch ... that's a glue in watch there, Jackie!
RK: What's the next question? Ask Mike the next question. Mike's gonna answer...
Mike: Who the hell do you think you are?
RK: What's the next question? Mike, come here. One more, one more. What's the next question?

Is it all about the pussy?
Mike: If crude oil had been a baby, you'd be... (walks away)
(Patrick laughs)
RK: That's my answer.

Who were your influences when you decided to be a comedian? What comics?
RK: You know who I really like, man? It was more Boston based comics. I love comedy, I love watching Richard Pryor and stuff but it was more like Steve Sweeney and Kevin Knox and you know, people like that. Don Gavin. Cause in Boston they put you on stage with guys who are killing, and they would go up and annihilate in 20 minutes, and they give you 5 minutes in front of 500 people. So you need to learn how to kill or you die. Or you learn how to become a bitter writer/comic and hate guys like me.

Let me ask this for you, is being a comedian all about getting laid, getting pussy, the hot chicks, or what?
RK: No, dude, let me tell you something. Life is about getting laid and getting pussy. Whatever you do, it's about getting laid and getting pussy. The fact that you do comedy and you know... like, say you started doing comedy and you were real funny. A fuckin' awful torso troll like yourself could probably get laid. But in reality, life is about getting pussy and for women it's about getting dick. It's about having sex. I'll tell you what comedy's about. It's about being an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. And it's about instant gratification. A lot of comics are psychologically fucked. The instant gratification that you get from doing what you do; you get laughs every 30 seconds. It's not like being a guitarist or a band or an artist, where people see your painting, you might never hear that they like it or you gotta wait for the applause at the end or, you know, all that shit. Every 30 seconds you're making people laugh so you're getting applause or laughter every 30 seconds. And I could end this fuckin' answer anytime you want. This long winded thought bubble.

What's the one thing you hate about the business? Do people get offended by your humor?
RK: Yeah, dude, I mean it sucks that people can't fuckin'... they don't know how to understand that everything is funny. Everything is funny, no matter how tragic it is, it's funny. And yes, back in the day the way people made people laugh was you don't say stuff... hang on one second.
(Steve Byrne interrupts)
RK: Steve Byrne is finished. That's one thing I hate about comedy. Asians. (laughter) No. People don't understand that back in the day, everything was hidden. I mean, Jesus Christ, the Brady Bunch father took it in the ass, Greg was fucking the mother. But on the show that's the way you lived your life. If you didn't live your life like that, you felt guilty, and the first time you did something sexual out of that Brady Bunch mentality, you felt dirty. The first time I had a girl touch my peepee, I cried to Jesus because I thought it was bad. But then, shit, I had the instincts a week later to fuckin' suck on the same chick's tit, with my friend. And it didn't feel so bad, like a big fat pillow ... Look, I can't stand when people... (gets distracted by Steve Byrne) When people like Asian comics...
Steve Byrne: Question for Robert.
RK: This is Steve Byrne. Go ahead Steve. Tell your joke. Do your little pantomime.
SB: What's it like working with Dane Cook?
RK: Actually it's been very good because people like Patrick and Cringe Humor and a lot of other fans...
SB: Are you kissing up?
RK: Actually, no, no, no, I'm being honest. Because it was actually weird too, cause when you gave me a phone call and you told me to tell Dane that hey, you could open for him too sometime, but you're not even at the point where you can open for Dane Cook, dummy. (laughs) You still can't open for somebody? You stink. You Dangerfield moron. Listen to me.
SB: Who's conducting this hot interview? I just got done with my interview with Variety Magazine. What's this for?
RK: Variety Magazine? What were they talking about, Asian Invasion? (laughs) Hey, here's the mike.
SB: Way to Patrice that laugh.
RK: No! I really… Hey! (speaks mock Asian) Come here!

I guess we'll move on.
RK: Please.
I've seen you in 8 Guys with Dane Cook, which was pretty good.
(Robert spits out his water in amusement and the table enjoys a good laugh)
You were the best out of the other eight. Do you prefer stand up comedy over the acting? I think you already answered yourself, but we'll...
RK: No, man, I like 'em both. I actually started comedy with Dane in an improv group, quit for a couple years, did acting, did a bunch of independent films, did theater in Boston, came back to comedy, had to start from scratch in standup, worked my way back up, and then kind of did both of them ever since. So no, I like both of them a lot. But I would love to do standup forever, I'm never gonna quit it and I'd love to do acting. You know, doing a sitcom... I'd rather be a cop on a show or some shit, have people not know I'm funny and then come see me and listen to me talk about getting my ass blown in by some Asian whore.

You lived in LA before coming out here, why did you decide to move?
RK: Because I was about to shoot myself in the face. I'll tell you something. This was the day... There's no comedy in LA; you can't do comedy like I do every night. And to be a comic, you're addicted, it's your hell. So you need to be on every night. I didn't. I started cooking and shit, watching the Food Network, found out how to cook cornish game hens with an almond sauce. And the day I knew I had to move back was when Patrice O'Neal was staying at my house and I made my famous barbecue chicken on my hibachi. I owned a fuckin' hibachi. I'm talking about a dad hibachi not a comic douche bag hibachi that you gotta put charcoal in. I had a fuckin' real hibachi. And Patrice O'Neal tasted my chicken and said "this is the best barbecue chicken I've ever had in my life." And when a 350 pound black man tells you you make the best barbecue chicken, that means I need to get the fuck out of LA and go back to doing comedy.

Since people are listening to this online, how has the internet affected your career?
RK: I can't tell you how many times I've jerked off on my keyboard. My shift key, I had to replace it 5 times. No. The internet's unbelievable. You get to talk to people that would never ever get a chance to fuckin' say hi to you or tell you that they like you. ... It's a great way to get to talk to people you'd never get to talk to, build a fan base, let people know where you're gonna be. It's great. It's just annoying when somebody you don't know is IMing you and you're like, "hey great, blah blah blah" and then they start asking you questions like, you know... "How has the internet affected your career?" (laughter) No, it's like when they start asking you dumb questions like "how old are you?" or "did you ever see this movie?" It's like, "no!" You know what really aggravates me, is that sometimes people don't understand that when you're on the IM you're getting like, maybe 25-50 people are fuckin' IMing you at once. I mean, sometimes I get nobody IMing me and I get really depressed so don't fuckin' stop IMing me at all cause I'm not really that famous. But some people... I know Dane too, Dane gets... I've never seen anything like it; he'll get literally a thousand IMs on his screen. It's sickening, you're like how the fuck? But people get mad at him, cause you'll say "how ya doin'" and he doesn't get back to them right away and they'll be like "what the fuck, fuck you." It's like hey dude, chill. Chill man, you know what I mean? Send an email, that'll get returned with all your questions answered. But IMs sometimes, you don't know what's going on. And I hate that, too, when you're talking to a girl and it winds up to be a fat fuckin' dude from Long Island named Patrick. (laughter)

You're having a contest on your site that's ending October 20, what's it all about?
RK: (over-enthused) Oh, this contest is going to be great, oh my God! Let me tell you about it, Patrick! This is called "Give Robert a Head!" (Kristen starts to correct him) That's right, "Give Robert Head!" Shut up, Kristen.
Kristen: I thought of it, I should get something.
RK: What do you want for it, Kristen? What do you want?
Dov's cock.
(laughter)
RK: That's the next contest. Make Dov a Cock. The only thing is, Kristen's face has to be in that cock, like, embedded in one of the veins. Her eyeball has to be right in the fuckin' peehole. No, the contest is... you know what, everybody does a lot of stuff on my message board and some of the stuff takes a lot of, I know it takes time, and it makes me laugh, dude. And it makes a lot of other people go to the message board that aren't involved in it but check it out and laugh. And I just wanted to do something... I want to give you something back. I don't have a lot, but I'll give you a hundred bucks and some other shit that I have and when the CD comes out I'm gonna put that in there somewhere, it's gonna go on there. For one thing, the shit makes me crack up. The things people are doing, even though it's at my expense. You know, I don't know who really likes being put on a midget bodybuilder retard body and it actually looks good. My head fit perfectly on that body. But it makes me laugh. So I figured I wanted to see more shit, see better shit and actually give somebody something for doing it.

You mentioned your CD, what's the progress on that? You said it'd be out by September...
RK: Shut your face. Everybody shut up, okay? I'm not on my own show; I'm doing all this with my own money, alright? So go fuck-a yourself! No, I'm working on it, man. It's coming out. I went to Houston. The first time it kind of fucked up; the second time, there are still a couple problems with it. But I got Kurt, this week actually, we're gonna fine tune a lot of stuff, see where we're at, put it together. It's probably not going to be for sale, like... well, I might be selling it at the clubs and at colleges to begin with. I might not put it up on the internet right away. It might be, you know, if you want one you have to see me for it or if I know you I'll mail you one. But it's gonna come out, man. I'm gonna put it out. It's gonna be all my shit, it's gonna be interactive. I'm gonna put like, 3-D screen savers on it, some AIM icons, some other horseshit, some behind the scenes shit maybe some (?) shit on there. We want to put as much shit on there for free as we can. I just want my comedy out there more than anything. Cause if I put my name into Kazaa one more time and it doesn't come up, I'm really gonna friggin' smash somebody's face. Unless you morons start fucking loading my shit on there, get off your asses and stop downloading fuckin' stupid Bill Cosby shit! He doesn't even do comedy anymore, you morons! I'm joking.

What's your main goal right now in the business?
RK: To suck your cock.
Aside from that.
RK: I really just want to get that whitehead off my ball without fucking bleeding into my underwear for fucking three hours. I haven't figured out a way to do that. I'm using that (?) Doesn't work.
Are you sure it's a whitehead?
RK: I hope it's a whitehead. It could be a third eye like Quaid. No, my goal right now for this year is Comedy Central half hour special. And I'm glad all three of you have been emailing Comedy Central. My fans really suck. If Dane Cook needed this there'd be a million people fuckin' at Comedy Central's door with pickets. (laughter) I do it and I get fuckin' three people: "Hey guys, what do you think? You know, if you get a chance, I mean, if you can't put him on, it's no big deal. But I think he's funny. And who am I, I'm just a shithead from Long Island." (laughter) Good positive email, you moron. Nah, I'm joking. Comedy Central half hour is the next thing. Another comedy on TV... Kimmel, one of those shows. And pilot season's coming up. I want to book a series, I want to book a TV show. Like, not really comedy either, I want to book some serious acting shit, more like Law and Order type shit.

Alright, one more. What advice would you give to a douche bag like me that wants to become a comedian?
RK: No advice, man, just do it. There's no advice you could give anybody. Comedy's personal. I don't know what you think is funny, and I don't know what they're gonna think is funny or the way you say it. I could say something and it's not funny to them. You say it and they find it funny. It's who's saying it and what they're saying and how they say it. It's personal. If it's believable, and they believe there's truth in it then they're gonna laugh. If you're goin' up there just to be a dirty dick then they're not.

(Ben Bailey walks up and derails the interview for a bit)

Well, I guess that's all.
RK: That's it?! You don't have any more questions?
Alright, you have any embarrassing stories about Dane Cook that if people heard about it would really piss him off?
RK: Why Dane Cook? Why is Dane Cook in my life, you moron? What about embarrassing stories about me?
Alright, what have you got? You told us a hilarious story about fucking a sink in the juvenile hall.
RK: I got a great... alright, check this out. I'm on stage, actually when I first started improv... (Robert is distracted by Kristen and Ben Bailey's conversation) Hang on one second, cause they're fucking up my audio. BB: We're talking about...
RK: I'm joking, I'm fucking joking.
K: We're talking about how he's on TV.
RK: Really? Okay. Conditioner. (Patrick laughs) Just a little bit, crunchy. (laughter) I'm sorry. Okay, you want anymore? Go back. Okay. I was on stage with Dane Cook. Me and Dane were in an improv group together. Me, Dane, Aldo Benny and this other guy; Jay Hall. Great guy, very funny. Quit comedy to get his mother out of the projects and he actually did. Bought 3 houses, now he's a fuckin' engineer. He just emailed me and I really feel like I made wrong choices in my life. I was really mad at him too, I made him feel bad for quitting "Al and the Monkeys". His poor mother would have died in a cockroach infested apartment in East Boston on a chicken bone if I had anything to do with it. "Dude, you gotta stay with the group, dude." I suck. So anyway, this was Jay. So we're on stage, Al's mother is in the front row with his sisters. Front row. And we do this bit at the end where we pull our pants down and we all have boxer shorts on, and pretty much every night we'd tape our boxer shorts shut so your shit don't sling out. So we pull our pants down and as soon as we did my little friggin' mushroom cap stuck its head out. And it had a little fuckin' lump to it too, it was a little filled up so it wasn't poppin' back in cause as soon as it got out it kind was like "yeah" and filled up a little more and it was hanging out and there was no way I could get it back in. And the look on Aldo Benny's mother's face; it was almost excitement. This whore... friggin' whore was so excited that my cock flew out of my pants. I swear to God, the look of disappointment when I pushed it back in with the tip of my index finger, that's all you need with my dick. I pushed it back in. It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. And the second embarrassing moment of my life, was the Boston Garden, alright, check this out. Me, Dane Cook, Al and the Monkeys won a competition. The local rock station, which is huge, has their big show they have once a year. The year before, it was 600 people. They wanted us to do it but they were doing it at the Boston Garden. That's 14,000 people. So we're such egomaniacs we think "this is great." We go there, it's 14,000 people. We're at the end of the show in between the Spin Doctors... you know, "little miss, little miss"... yeah, assholes. Right after that - just came out too, they were fucking huge - and Phish. We're middling between these two doing 15 minutes of improv. In front of 14,000 people and we had no problems with this. We actually walked out on stage and planned out our moves. No cordless mic either, we all had to hold microphones. We got booed off the stage. Here comes Steve Byrne. He doesn't get enough stage time. Anyway. Got booed off the stage, sha na na na, hey, hey, hey, goodbye. And then I got a coke thrown at my head. And worse than that is that before that I was peeing in the bathroom and I peed on my pants, and I had a big pee stain on my pants in front of 14,000 people.

(Greg Giraldo walks up)

RK: Oh, this is Greg Giraldo; he doesn't get enough stage time either. Fuckin' comics suck because anytime they see any type of thing where they can throw their little performance in, they really... even though he's famous, he was in fuckin' Entertainment Weekly...
GG: Yeah, I could barely make it down the street without being swamped. Is this for Outrigger Monthly? Are you telling them your technique on how to throw a big pig roast? (laughter) "How to throw a luau with Bobby Kelly."
RK: Greg Giraldo really does have a zinger in the fuckin' wings at all times. And I really don't like his messy neat hair. I don't like it. Greg Giraldo!
GG: Yeah?
RK: (laughs) I really hate him.
GG: You sort of halfway said my name and halfway addressed me... Greg Giraldo!
RK: (laughs) Ah shit, my life stinks. You know what, if I was Colin Quinn right now none of these morons would be fucking even interrupting us. They'd walk by and go, "Oh, I'm sorry."

Anything you want to plug real quick?
RK: Robertkellylive.com. Go to my webpage instead of this shitty webpage. And then what else? The CD's coming out. Put my shit on Kazaa, you morons. And ladies, get webcams. Stop fuckin' around.
K: Contest.
RK: Yeah, and enter the contest. No, why? I don't want to give away $100. I might put in a new rule in too that you have to register.
That's Kurt that's posting all the different pictures.
RK: No! How do you know?
Yeah, the IP addresses match up.
RK: Really?
We just ratted his ass out.
RK: (leans deliberately into microphone) Kurt is an awful Asian. And you know he's a master at Photoshop, too, and he's trying to actually do shitty ones? I really hope his friggin' Powerbook explodes in his face. I really do. Then he has to be some Asian in a basement because he's afraid to go outside because of the atrociousness of his face.
Alright, that wraps it up, thanks for everything for cringehumor.com.