Cringe Humor: How did you get into standup comedy?

Dane Cook: When I was in 7th grade I used to carve pictures of dragons with human looking heads wearing metal armor flying over burning cities on my desks. For most of that same year I was constantly jerking off to Molly Ringwald to the point that my dick would refuse to finale. I read a book on lucid dreaming the next year and would go to bed at 7 o'clock every night just to try and live in my own dream world. I had panic attacks most days and unless I was near my house pretty much lived in a state of impending doom. My only friend was a fat Swiss kid named Eugene that thought he could defend himself from getting beat up by putting one leg in the air and spinning around really fast. The highlight of any day with him was trying to scare him to the point he'd cry. I got acne so fucking bad that I remember someone asked me if I was "allergic to life." I got on a medication called Accutane that cleared my skin but had major side affects. It dried out my nose to the point where for no reason it would start pouring blood out like I was Carrie. It made my lips disappear and my muscles got so tight and tense that it felt like my back was dipped in liquid nitrogen. Years later they found it was also associated with suicide. I never felt like I wanted to die but I did want everyone else to. I made a new friend in high school named Al. Al was in my drama class with me and he was also in my first girlfriend less than two years later. Most of the last year of high school I worked as a dietary aid at a nursing home where my day would start with a co-worker telling me who had died the night before. There was one other job working at a pizza place called Charlie's where one of the regulars, Peter, would tell me about how he wanted to assassinate the president and eat his flesh. There was another guy we called The Mayor who was retarded and had teeth that looked as if he chewed on an anchor. He reeked of piss so bad that I could smell it over the pizza cooking. If you can figure out how any of this adds up to me being a stand-up comedian you win a pinata of Patrice Oneal filled with Tootsie Rolls.

CH: Where & when was the first time you got up on stage? What was it like?

DC: Damn it was the best feeling ever. I rocked with my crappy jokes. It's like getting away with the perfect crime. One of my first jokes ever I cut out an article in a newspaper where a woman claimed she was "raped by a snowman." Let's just say there were a few "snow balls" and "snow blower" jokelits in there. Some people look back at old photos and cringe at their hair ... I just did that about my material. The club was called Catch A Rising Star in Cambridge, Massachusetts. David Cross was the host the first night I ever went up. I was just there to watch the show. See what it was like. Cross was reading the intros off of a napkin that he just wrote the names from the sign up sheet on that open mic night. Without even knowing who was in the audience he called out the fifth name on the show. Earnest Glenn. No one moved and I had a gut feeling that there was no Earnest Glenn there so my hand shot up into the air. Within moments I was on stage for the first time ever as Earnest Glenn. I am really glad that dude didn't show up that night. The kid that screwed my first girlfriend, Al, was putting a comedy group together soon after and he called to ask if I wanted to be in it. Soon after I was in a group with him and Robert Kelly called Al and the Monkey's. We were like most improv groups but funny. Nothing to smart, just in your throat shit that we gave a million percent to on stage. We would do shows all around New England and we kicked ass everywhere. The energy and improv aspects of the group really helped me to carve out the kind of comedy I wanted to do solo.

CH: Who influenced you the most into becoming a comedian?

DC: Not really sure. I liked anyone that was fearless. I guess because I was more afraid when I was younger. Once I got onstage after a few years I started to really not give a shit what other people thought of me or my act. I knew that I was consistently doing well and that pissed some comedians off. The real comics I hung with got it though and I gotta say the guys that I started with are still kicking ass and are still my favorite guys to watch today. The best advice for an aspiring comedian is DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE. The comics I don't respect are the ones that give off an impression that they could care less about the crowd or reaction. They act flippant. Fuck that. Your set was at 9:35 and you’re here waiting to go. Anyone that truly doesn't give a shit, doesn't show up on time.

CH: What superstitions or off-the-wall shit do you partake in before a performance?

DC: I get in my car and blast Skid Row's greatest hits so loud that I can't even hear the music. I then drive 80 miles per hour into a wall. Gets me pumped for the show but I tend to go through a lot of cars. I also pray to God that I am not going on after a puppet. If I am on after a puppet I spend the entire set watching the puppet and wondering how to steal it and how I could torture and destroy it.

CH: What is your favorite city to work in?

DC: Here is the deal. Boston is my hometown so that is like a blowjob. You go home and its almost not fair because home town crowds will always come out to Thunderdome the shit out of the club. New York is a melting pot and you can do and say anything without feeling any pressure. I try to go back to New York City a lot because you'll never beat the energy of NYC crowds. Even when they suck. I love Los Angeles because a lot of comics are so into their "industry" set that they forget to be real. I go up there with a dose of east coast for the people. I think LA is great if you are in the right spots. Laugh Factory is the king. Recap: Boston for the loud, in-your-face, come give us a fucking great show or die vibe. New York for the no one truly cares about what you say or do thing. The energy of the city makes it the greatest city on earth. Plus you can stab a heckler in the chest during the 10 o'clock show and there will still be a midnight show after they clear the body out. Los Angeles crowds give you what you give them. If you're fake then they shrug you off. If you rip it up and are honest they give you the lovin'. Oh and gotta give a scream to Houston, Miami and Tempe. Hot ass women. With an extra side of hot ass women.

CH: Who are your closest friends in the business?

DC: I have done shows with most everyone that you can think of. Most people know I have been buddies with Robert Kelly since he had Rico Suave hair. I could tell you some great RK stories but then he would tell you some of mine and I am not sure I want some of the shit RK knows about me floating around out there. To this day Patrice O’neal is one of my favorites to watch. When I first started I remember Patrice hanging out talking shit and he still does the same thing. I can't wait until Patrice gets really famous so I can sue him for slander against the human race.

CH: Since people are reading this online, how has the internet personally impacted your career?

DC: My web site www.DANECOOK.com is a beast! I know it’s one of those things that everyone on earth gets but for me it was what built my fan base. As technology grows I will add more to it. One day I hope to have a microchip put in my brain so people can log on and read what I am thinking. Instant message my cerebrum and download porn that I create on a subway staring at a chick that just got off work and has no idea I am playing a mental version of “Who’s In My Mouth.”

CH: What do you think of your groupies? Is it all about the pussy?

DC: Groupies make things much more interesting after the show for sure. One time this chick came up to me and told me I made her orgasim during the show. Just from my jokes. But then you get her back home and you gotta bang her like a clown cause if you don’t keep the laughs pouring out she thinks your mad at her.

CH: If being a stand up comic wasn't your day job, what would you be doing instead?

DC: Designing video games. I am a gaming freak. Robert Kelly and I spent almost every night in 2002 playing Soldier of Fortune 2. He was in NYC and I was in LA but we’d meet up every night and blast fuckers till 8 in the morning NYC time. I am an AK-74 kind of guy. Run in screaming, toss a smoke grenade, Capture the Flag and rip your chest wide open and taunt you with my favorite, “O W N E D” or maybe a “SOMEONE IS DEAD AND IT AIN”T ME.” Robert would sit in a friggin’ tree with a sniper rifle for 9 hours, shoot you once in the neck and toss out his old faithful… “YOU STINK.”

CH: What advice do you have for youngans who are interested in becoming the next Dane Cook?

DC: Ummm the next Dane Cook? If you are wanting to be me then study the art of soul stealing. If you want to be a comedian because you saw me perform here is my advice… ready? DON’T FUCKING LISTEN TO ME.

We here at Cringe Humor would like to once again thank Dane for taking the time out of his busy schedule, and providing us with the stellar interview.

Dane will be performing at Caroline's on Broadway May 8th-11th. Please check out his phenomenal  website www.DaneCook.com for more information