CringeHumor

Cringe Humor & Comix Presents The Roast Of Jim Florentine 11.02.10

Go ahead and call me self-serving for reviewing an event that Cringe Humor put together, but anyone who is a long time visitor of this site knows that I got my “break” into the business by covering the Patrice O’Neal Roast. Robert Kelly himself asked me to help promote it and offered to get me in for free if I reviewed it for the site. That was a good 7 1/2 years ago. WOW. Read the review here.

Shortly thereafter, Masavia (who managed Boston Comedy Club at the time) put together the Roast of Jim Norton, another event I helped promote and eventually reviewed on here. Read the review here. Thanks to the success of the Norton Roast, the Cringe Humor shows were spawned as I handled promotion and Masavia booked them at the newly opened Laugh Lounge. That was April of 2004.

Putting together the first ever Cringe Humor Roast has been a goal of mine since that night. Thanks to the tremendous support and contribution of others, it finally became a reality; we got to celebrate a Cringe Humor original, Mr. Jim Florentine. After many years of hard work, dedication, and finally surrounding myself with the right people, we managed to pull off a sold-out event on a Tuesday night (Election Day) the same week of Carolines’ New York Comedy Festival. But enough about Cringe.

If you attended the roast, you might have noticed a live radio broadcast going on beforehand by the great Joe Conte and Kenny Michaels. Listen to it in it’s entirety now. It includes many interviews with the comedians involved.

Without further ado, the CringeHumor.net recap of The Roast of Jim Florentine.

Rich Vos

The Roast Master for the night is one of my personal favorites to deal with, Rich Vos. He really is the perfect man to handle such an event. He took control of the night and was absolutely flawless in trashing everyone involved. His timing was impeccable, and everything he said KILLED. He will always be the face of all future Roasts, and for my money he puts Jeffrey Ross to shame in that department. Here are some highlights of Vos’ opening performance:

Rich explains the culture of the roast, how there will be inside jokes and how some stuff will have the comics laughing. “Let me rephrase that, if you see me, Bonnie, and Norton laughing it’s funny…and the only reason I said Bonnie & Norton is because I like to get my dick sucked.”

Rich then segues into the first really hardcore joke of the night. One that set the tone and had the crowd both cringing and howling with laughter: “I wasn’t the first pick to host.  Patrick asked Greg Giraldo if he wanted to host and he said he’d rather be dead.” That line garnered the night’s first applause break. I remember Rich telling me that line weeks ahead of the night and I insisted he used it, even though he felt it might have been inappropriate. Not only did it go over great, it has since spread over the internet and is well received.

Vos goes after Bob Levy mentioning how “the last time he worked in New York it was called Watertown. After tonight you can finally say you worked all five boroughs.”

Vos then ups the ante again mentioning how Levy doesn’t get any work. “Your calendar has more holes in it than Artie Lange’s torso.” Another “OH SHIT!” reaction and applause break from the crowd.

On Don Jamieson: “Every morning you should be on your knees praying to God and to the man who invented coat-tails…Every time you look at Florentine you have to think of Footprints in the Sand.”

On Geno Bisconte: “If your career sinks any lower, you can pass yourself off as a Chilean miner.  On stage you have the confidence of a black transvestite and the execution of a Times Square bomber.”

Vos & Geno trade barbs with one another, with Vos one-upping him by mentioning how tonight is an audition for Geno and how “he’s the only one on the roast that had to bring 8 people.” Another howl and applause break from the crowd.

Vos mentions how Joe Matarese teaches a comedy class and how you can’t teach comedy. “I have been trying with Bonnie for the past 7 years.” He goes on about how there’s one topic Joe will never teach in his class and that’s how to handle success.

On Eric McMahon, who during the day runs a baseball clinic: “What are the odds that in both of your careers you repeatedly say ‘swing and a miss’?”
And now Vos goes after his lovely wife and fellow comedian, Bonnie, who was also on the dais. “If I walked out on Bonnie, she would just think she was on stage.” He then compares fucking her from behind to fucking Margaret Cho’s face. “Sarah (Silverman) fucks Kimmel gets her own show, Chelsea (Handler) fucks the head of E! and gets her own show, you fuck me - AIDS.”

He goes on: “Bonnie has fucked more comics than Barry Katz.”

On his pal Jim Norton: “There have been rumors that Norton likes to be shit on. Levy, can you throw his career on your chest?”

Vos then shares the famous Philadelphia peepshow story involving him, Florentine, Norton, & Levy. You can listen to it here. Basically they all watched the shadow of Florentine jerking off all over the floor. Vos then mentions how he was almost kicked out of the peep booth for trying to Jew down the girls. A hilarious story to end a perfect opening set. Bravo to Rich for bringing his A game and setting the tone for a wonderful night.

Vos then segues into a wonderful video tribute Comix put together of Greg Giraldo. It showed footage of Greg performing on that very stage and also contained clips of his DVD, and some of his best roast moments from Comedy Central. Many thanks to Joanne from Comedy Central for sending us great, high quality footage for us to use.

After the 5-minute tribute concluded, Vos brought up Greg’s close friend, writing partner, and former opener, Jesse Joyce.

Jesse Joyce

Vos brings up Joyce by mentioning “If you Google his name it will come back with ‘Why?’”

Joyce opens by pointing out why he is on the roast: “I know that a lot of you guys don’t know me, and it’s kind of bittersweet for me to be here. I was Greg’s writing partner for a lot of those jokes. his was going to be the next project that we were going to work on together. Actually, a couple of weeks before he died, he invited me to do this and I said ‘Alright what do you want to do for it?’ and he told me ‘Ideally, I would like to take an entire bag of pharmaceuticals and stop my heart so I wouldn’t have to roast the retarded Sebastian Bach of retard jokes.’”

The crowd howls and Joyce set a precedent - It was okay to joke about Greg’s death. It was reassuring to know that a close friend of his addressed it. Greg would have wanted it this way.

“It was really tragic when Greg passed away. And we were all thinking why? Why couldn’t it have been Vos?...and the answer is because you can’t overdose on Extenze and Crest White Strips.” The crowd explodes and gives Jesse a well-deserved applause break.

Joyce then shits on the dais and the lack of star power:  “We’re in a room full of radio sidekicks. There’s so many third wheels up here, I feel like I am in a tricycle factory…Radio is dead but you guys are trying to work your way up the ladder. I feel like I am watching ice dancing qualifications the year before they discovered AIDS. Opie & Anthony and Howard Stern are the only reasons all of you fucks haven’t frozen to death. They have kept more corny shits afloat than a Nebraskan septic tank.”

On Don Jamieson’s CD: “Don has a CD, and it’s not bad. I was listening to it in my car, but it only plays in the HOV lane because you have to bring 3 people in order to hear it.” Bringer jokes always kill.

On Joe Matarese’s comedy class: “Taking comedy classes from Joe Matarese is like taking defensive driving classes from Robert Schimmel.” Another classic cringe moment.

On Eddie Trunk’s weight: “Eddie is so fat, he got stuck in 1983. He hosts a show with Jim Florentine, and as we can see that’s the closest he’s ever gotten to a “gym”.

Joyce talks about how Jim Norton was a voice in the movie Furry Vengeance. “That movie was such an embarrassment to comedy, Bonnie tried to fuck it.”

“I read your book, Happy Endings…the one where you are nude on the cover.  That is about as funny as the shower scene from Schindler’s List, but I wasn’t as disgusted seeing those people naked. There were more laugh out loud moments reading the Vietnam War Memorial.”

On Jim Florentine: “He went through a phase when he started where he was known as Jammin’ Jim…and then he went through another phase when he was fucking Robin Quivers when he was known as Jungle Jim.”

Joyce talks about how Florentine’s Special Ed character from Crank Yankers made him famous. “Way to take retards down a peg. Did you really feel that mongoloids were getting uppity? Thank you Florentine for knocking retarded people off of their high Voses.”

Joyce closes out by mentioning how often Florentine bombs and that the only he reason his balls are so big & swollen is because he always eats his nuts on stage. Joyce then shares a quick story about how the first time he emceed was for Florentine and what a great guy Jim is.

What an amazing performance from Joyce. It did Greg justice, as you can see where Giraldo got most of his great ideas for his legendary Comedy Central Roast appearances. Watching Joyce murder at the podium was comparable to Ben Bailey’s surprisingly legendary performance at the Patrice roast.  I promise to get Jesse on stage for every future roast we do, and he will be a hard act to follow.

Don Jamieson

Jim’s long-time friend, fellow comedian, and That Metal Show co-host Don Jamieson took the podium and rattled off these gems:

On Jim Norton’s face: “Trig Palin has sharper features than you.”

On Eddie Trunk: “Your midsection has more lumps in it than Elizabeth Edwards’ tit.”

Don then began trashing Norton’s debut book, Tales of a Meaty Breasted Zilch, by pointing out how Jim wasted more ink than Kat Von D. He goes on to talk about “Monster Rain” and mentions how L’il Jimmy had a sadder childhood than Jon Benet Ramsey.

The trashing of Norton continues as Jamieson talks about how angry he is on stage. “Your act has caused more people to flee a building than 9-11.”

On Otto & George: “When they perform nothing is off limits…except for relevant topics and modern references. Otto’s act is so old and boring, Calista Flockhart almost married it…there’s a Facebook campaign for it to host Saturday Night Live.”

Don shits on Rich & Bonnie’s marriage, and then segues into Bob Levy’s alcoholism: “Your liver is so black and bloated, Florentine almost dated it.”

Eddie Trunk

The 3rd member of That Metal Show, Eddie was out of his element being on a comedy dais but pulled it out by sharing stories of how rotten Jim’s farts are and what a creep he is. He also talked about being a miracle worker by somehow getting Jim & Don a TV show. He closed out with stories about how Jim is trying to convince one of his friends to eat his son’s preserved foreskin and what a terrible father he is.

Vos summed up Eddie’s performance with this great line: “That fucking set should have been in a package coming from Yemen.”

Jim Norton

The legendary Norton started out his dialogue by pointing out how dumb Vos is, and how finished his career is. “You’re a terrible actor, too. You make Jackie Mason look like Philip Seymour Hoffman. You have a good shot if they’re casting a retarded Jew or a clever Dominican.”

Norton then talks about how Vos’ next TV appearance should be file footage on Al Jazeera Television. Norton explains the joke to Levy and then does a hilarious impression of Bob which had the crowd roaring.

Norton compliments Jesse Joyce’s brilliant performance and points out his bugged out eyes and how he looks like a handsome burn victim.

Jimmy then tells his famous flip a coin story that he shared on O&A years ago. Check it out here.

On Bonnie: “She’s a card-carrying member of SAG. She’s never been in a film. She was given the card in honor of her tits & ass.”

He then targets Eddie Trunk and does a classic impression of him saying “Classic Metal!”

“You look really good, I loved you in the second half of Raging Bull…Your fucking head is giant. You should be dancing on stage in Miami as Scarface gets shot.”

Jim pokes fun at Don Jamieson’s awful sideburns and how he looks like Elvis with AIDS. “You die on stage so much, you should do your act wearing a suit with your hands folded over your chest.”

Norton attacks That Metal Show it’s hosts: “Florentine has an amazing voice. Unfortunately it’s governed by a brain that’s even more useless than Terri Schiavo’s.”

Classic Metal! He then goes after the soul patch Florentine has under his bottom lip: “It looks like you were licking Jamie Lee Curtis’ pussy and she took an Activia shit on your chin.”

Norton then closes out his set trashing That Metal Show with these great lines:

“It’s the only show about music that’s worse than Cop Rock…It’s actually a great show where they interview the most popular and relevant figures in music; everyone from Sammy Hagar’s bassist to the guy that was once a session keyboardist for Faster Pussycat.”

He goes on to mention how Eddie Trunk name drops more than Oscar Schindler and addresses a nasty rumor that the show was going to feature a band that put out an album after 1986.

“The set of That Metal Show is the only place where you’re gonna hear ‘Great news! Dokken called us back!’”

Norton closes out by talking about how great of a guy Florentine is and how he got him his first ever paid gig back in 1990.

Bonnie McFarlane

The lovely Mrs. Vos had the daunting task of being the only female on the dais, and followed an incredible performance by Norton. Not only did she kick some ass, she was hard to follow, and once again bridged the gap between the sexes of stand up comedy.

Bonnie opened by pointing out what a ride it’s been through the world of comedy ever since she’s been with Vos, and how she fantasized about being on the Jim Florentine Roast ever since she was a little girl.

“I feel like that dad that has pushed his paraplegic son through hundreds of marathons…because Rich is paralyzed from the neck up.  I don’t want to spoil anything, but somebody’s going to be called a douche tonight! I know, because I spelled it for him.”

Bonnie then defends her husband by saying how the systematic bullying of him has got to stop. “I think we have to come to the sad realization that he’s never going to kill himself.”

Bonnie targets Geno Bisconte’s act: “I laughed more waiting for the second tower to fall.” The crowd gave Bonnie a deserving applause break after that one.

Bonnie then addressed people who always ask her why she even married Vos in the first place. “I hate me…It was easier to marry Rich Vos than it was to start cutting myself. Why did I marry Rich Vos? Look at this fucking lineup. These are the men of comedy. Look what I have to choose from. It’s like a round up of fetal alcohol kids.”

Bonnie talks about how ugly and gross Jim Norton is and how he’s an incest baby. “If someone threw acid in his face, it would be an improvement.  Once after a show I saw him get into a knife fight and he yelled at the guy ‘In the face, in the face!’”

Bonnie segues into one of the most brilliant bits of the night, pointing out the empty chair we left on stage in honor of Greg Giraldo, and what a wonderful gesture it is. “I don’t know if you guys know this, and I hope you I don’t embarrass you Rich, but Rich leaves open 150 seats in all of his shows…all of them in honor of Greg Giraldo. He was doing it even before Greg died.”

Bonnie closes out talking about Florentine’s lack of charisma, personality, and the ability to be funny.

“All jokes aside Jim, you’re a great guy.  You’re very sweet, and it’s been a real pleasure never having to work with you.”

Thomas Jannarone

Jim’s entertainment lawyer and long time friend Thomas Jannarone took the podium and shared some stories about helping break Jim into the business and closed out with a hilarious story about how he once took a shit into Florentine’s hands who then tossed it into oncoming traffic, hitting the windshield of some poor old lady who was driving to work.

The Reverend Bob Levy

Levy immediately opens by pointing out how fat Thomas is and how his shoe has stretch marks on it. He goes after Eddie Trunk by stating how “Eddie knows a lot about 80’s bands since he is shaped like most of them today…I’m not saying you’re overweight but That Metal Show should be on The Food Network.”

On Rich Vos’ new teeth: “Arizona bought his old ones to keep the Mexicans out.  He has a tattoo on him that says ‘Never Again’ for the Jews; his mother has the same one above her pussy.”

Levy then trashes Howard Stern for banning him from the Sirius building, and suggests he should ride his wife into the sunset and retire.

Levy then targets Vos’ large teeth and what a has been he is. “Vos always brags about being the first white guy on Def Jam. Get over yourself fuckface, that was 20 years ago. I’d rather hear about the 4 touchdowns Al Bundy scored for Polk High School.”

Levy attacks Norton on his ugliness: “When he was the born, the doctor handed his Mother the afterbirth. The only reason O&A hired Norton was to make Anthony look attractive.”

“I’m not saying Norton is creepy, but the AIDS virus is afraid of him; once a year the AIDS virus gets a test for The Norton Virus.” That one brought Levy a well-deserved applause break.

On Florentine’s past relationship with Robin Quivers: “Jim is known as the new Abe Lincoln, because last year he set Robin Quivers free…I think he is still attracted to her because when he took his family to the zoo last week he got a boner at the gorilla cage.”

“He’s the male Lisa Lampanelli, except he writes his own jokes.”

Otto & George

Otto approaches the podium to a huge round of applause and immediately attacks Levy on his upcoming suicide: “For his birthday, I am going to get (Bob) a William Holden throw rug.”

Otto than handed it over to George, in which the puppet compared Levy’s appearance to a retarded John Travolta with Bell’s palsy.

George then shits on Florentine’s career: “Jim is to comedy what the movie Flash Dance was to welding.”

On Eddie Trunk’s weight: “They call it heavy metal because they don’t have fat fuck metal yet…Eddie Trunk is on a new crash diet, he doesn’t eat during a car accident.”

The duo closed out their short set by insulting Don Jamieson: “One question, when you were sucking Florentine’s dick, how does Eddie Trunk’s asshole taste?  Another Jersey hack living in New York. Nice mutton chops, faggot. It’s like your ears shit into your face and ran into your mouth, and gave you Bob Levy’s cadence and timing.”

Dino Ibelli

The owner of Uncle Vinnie’s Comedy Club went up the podium and did a delightful job of entertaining the crowd with hilarious insults & zingers that were delivered in a confident and professional fashion.

Ooof. Anyone that was there to witness the abortion of Dino’s performance (who shouldn’t have been behind a mic, and who we didn’t want on the dais to begin with) saw him eat his nuts for what seemed like an eternity.

Dino has been nothing but a scumbag to me, Cringe Humor as a whole, and the comedians we manage.  Watching him embarrass himself and sweat it out was poetic justice for me & the long list of others he has fucked over in the business.

Stick to running a restaurant and rest assured that you will never amount to shit in New York City.

Vos addressed the abomination by asking Norton to trash Dino because he still needs his money. “If that isn’t going to be the longest drive back to Jersey…Holy fuck. He can’t say no to any comic now that wants to work his club.”

Vos even acted out a hilarious skit of what will happen between a comedian and Dino:

Comedian: “Can I work your club?”
Dino: “What have you done?”
Comedian: “Better than you at the roast.”

Eric McMahon

Florentine’s long time friend and fellow New Jersey comedian, Eric McMahon, was faced with the difficult task of bringing the crowd back to life after Dino’s atrocity.

He immediately addressed Dino’s performance by pointing out how he’s never seen someone get a red light at a roast before.

One of the highlights of Eric’s set was when he attacked Bob Levy’s radio career. “Bob has burned more bridges than the Germans did when taking over France.  You know what would be perfect for you, Levy? A podcast cruise line.  Bob, if you want to get on satellite radio you should break into Best Buy and fall asleep on the Sirius inventory.”

Eric then congratulates Florentine on the birth of his son and asks “After 40 years, how does it finally feel to have one of your girlfriends not flush the kid down the toilet?”

Geno Bisconte

Geno starts out by making fun of Thomas Jannarone’s morbid obesity. “By the way, I hope you had a great Halloween, I loved your outfit…All you had to do was chain Princess Leah to your ankle.”

With that the crowd was rejuvenated and Geno started putting in some hard labor.

About the dais: “I haven’t seen this many has beens being roasted since Great White had their concert. The last time I have seen this many zeroes and stared at them for 90 minutes, I was watching World Cup soccer.”

On Vos & Bonnie needing a celebrity nickname, he suggests they use “The Old Man & The C Word.”

On Bob Levy going from being on The Howard Stern Show to doing his own podcast: “That’s the greatest career movie since Mel Gibson bought his girlfriend an answering machine.”

Geno closes out strong by saying of Florentine as a comedian: “Watching Florentine’s act is like taking a pregnancy test. By the time you get to the 2nd line, you know you’ve made a terrible mistake.”

Joe Matarese

Joe was stuck in the worst possible spot, going up last before the roastee in an absolute marathon of an event. Not only did Joe bring his A game, he had one of the best performances of the night. Oh and perhaps the cringiest joke, too.

Joe immediately starts off with his misery and picks on Norton claiming to be an actor. “I heard an interview with Jim Norton, and he said that when he acts he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Why don’t you do what you normally do with your hands - jerk off Louis CK and Opie & Anthony.”

On Bob Levy using the Reverend moniker: “Bob is much like a normal Reverend, except he doesn’t fuck kids. He fucks the people that come out & pay to see him.”

Matarese then segues into a brilliant bit lead in by how Bob Levy is starting a new comedy tour with Phil Selman and Rich Vos called the “Low Class Jew Tour.” Matarese then rattled off a few catchphrases for the tour similar to Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be A Redneck…” routine.

“You might be a low class Jew if you’ve been Bar Mitzvah’d but didn’t graduate high school.”

“You know you’re a low class Jew when you’re on a roast and you pronounce Greg Giraldo, Greg He-raldo.” A smart jab at Bob Levy’s name mispronunciations.

“If you have more tattoos than Jewish holidays in the Month of September…You might be a low class Jew…Rich Vos, if you get one more tattoo, Jesse James is going to want to fuck you while he’s wearing his Nazi costume.”

“Rich, if you buy a Rolls Royce on EBay, and try to return it to PayPal…you might be a low class Jew.”

And finally: “You might be a low class Jew if people think you’re Italian.”

On Geno Bisconte’s name: “It sounds like a shitty cookie you can only get on a cruise ship…Your comedy is so dated that in order for you to seem relevant, you’re going to need a DeLorean and a flux capacitor…set to 1952 - The Copacabana.”

Matarese then talks about the time he did a road gig with Eric McMahon, Don Jamieson, and Florentine. He points out how all 3 of them sound the same and does perhaps the greatest impression of Florentine ever seen, complete with his mannerisms and gestures. Can’t wait to get the video of it.

Matarese then busts out 2 of the cringiest jokes back-to-back. Mentioning how the roast is a fundraiser for Greg Giraldo’s ex-wife and kids, he says “Greg Giraldo has been making $500,000 for the last ten years. This weekend I am working at City Steam in Hartford, CT. Where’s my fucking benefit? If you guys can make that same deal for me I will kill myself tonight. I have a wife and one kid, fuck it.”

Matarese continues: “All kidding aside, it’s very sad.  But on a positive note, here’s the good news: right now Greg Giraldo is probably fucking Jim Florentine’s ex-girlfriend.” The crowd was first utterly stunned, and then roared, giving him an applause break. Cringe humor at its finest.

Matarese closes out by attacking Florentine’s appearance, especially his orange hair. “You look like Rocky Dennis fucked Ralph Malph…If my hair looked like that, I’d volunteer for chemotherapy.”

Vos comes up and points out how great Matarese’s performance was. “That was so fucking good this late at night, Eric McMahon is saying to himself ‘Oh fuck, I can’t blame it on the time now’”

“You pulled it out, I hope some of your students are here. Matter of fact, Levy, get his number!”

Jim Florentine

Finally, after 2 and a half hours of great fun and ball-breaking, it was time for the retarded puppet himself to take the podium.

Florentine starts by trashing Vos and how his 40 years of emceeing gave him the ability to do such a great job hosting. Jim then mentions how fucked up everyone is on the dais, and how within 5 years half of them will be dead.

Florentine talks about Keith Robinson who was supposed to be at the roast: “I love Keith, I have a statue of him on my lawn…holding a lantern.”

On Otto & George: “Everyone knows that Otto loves to be on O&A…That’s opium and anti-depressants…I haven’t seen lips move that much since Bonnie McFarlane masturbated with an egg beater.”

Florentine targets Don Jamieson and how he will fuck anything. “He’s got so many genital warts that Stevie Wonder can read his foreskin…I love those sideburns Don. It looks like you’re being ear-fucked by 2 squirrels…I haven’t seen so much hair on somebody’s face since I fucked Geno Bisconte’s sister.”

On Bonnie McFarlane: “Isn’t she beautiful? Her heart is filled with dreams and her uterus is filled with comedy club owner’s jizz…Anyone who thinks that female comedians can’t get laughs has never seen Bonnie asking a club owner to headline her.”

On Bob Levy: “I don’t want to say that your career is dead, but to see your schedule you have to use a Ouija board. You handle your career as well as Clay Aiken handles pussy.  He’s always doing comedy at firehouses as you know. After seeing that act, they’re like, ‘You know what maybe 9-11 wasn’t that bad.’”

Florentine then stumbles over a joke and asks Bob Levy of all people to help him read what he wrote. Levy tries his hardest but stops short. Norton, quicker than a hiccup, chimes in with “What’s the word you can’t read? Succeed?”

Jim closes out by assuring Levy that everything is going to be all right. He then thanks everyone involved for such an awesome time.

That about wraps it up. We don’t plan on selling a DVD copy of the show, but we will be posting video clips of it on our YouTube page. Thanks again to everyone for making it a huge success. More Cringe Humor roasts to come!

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Many thanks to Jenifer Ferris for editing this piece