CringeHumor

I got super fired up when I googled Kato Kaelin and realized that I could see his dick for the low low price of just $9.99.

I wasn’t sure on the shipping and handling but come on, like I was going to quibble over a few extra dollars to see one of America’s greatest success stories in all his glory in the pages of a mid-90’s edition of Playgirl magazine?

You wouldn’t either so don’t lie to yourself. Everyone loves famous dong. Kato on the cover of Playgirl magazine.

My excitement abated, however, when I realized that Mr. Kaelin does not reveal all, but rather just appears in a cameo cover shot and a few tastefully done photos where I can only assume he’s posing in front of a strategically placed flower or wearing some tight jeans or gazing longingly into the dead eyes of housewives and semi-perverted feature writers.

Mr. Kaelin explained his decision thusly: “I didn’t go full frontal because otherwise it would’ve had to have been the June through September issue.”

I didn’t want to laugh when he said that (though I did because I love a good dick joke). Penis jokes aside, Kato has survived being a national punchline by taking it all in stride and maintaining a sense of humor.

Say what you want about the Kato you remember from the O.J. trial in 1994 (dim-witted, rad surfer hair, fish-in-a-barrel for the late night hosts), but we haven’t seen him puking into Dr. Drew’s lap on Celebrity Rehab. He hasn’t robbed a bank, beat up any old ladies or leaked a sex tape.

Instead, he’s kept himself busy and pursued the American Dream of minor Hollywood fame. He’s appeared here and there, including a recent appearance on Tosh.O in an absurd piece of weirdness where he dressed in a cat suit and played the keyboard. Does it make sense? Not really, but it’s funny at least.

He’s a writer for National Lampoon and regularly performs stand-up throughout Los Angeles. He has no illusions about being the next big thing, but he’s working.

“I’m not trying to be Seinfeld or Bill Maher, but I love it,” he said. “I love being in front of the crowd.”

I don’t doubt it. Moving forward, Kaelin is trying to take his own tale of momentary fame and capitalize with a pilot he’s attempting to sell called “The 16th Minute.” The premise is simple: find others who’ve had their 15 minutes and give them one last bite at the apple.

Luckily, there is no shortage of potential guests. Kaelin has a wish list containing everyone from the Chocolate Rain guy to the Rock, Paper, Scissors world champion to political darling Joe the Plumber.

“I want to go to his house, back up his toilet, and then see what he can do,” Kaelin said.

I’d watch that, and I hope I get the opportunity.

What I got most out our mini-interview was that Kato Kaelin is a cool guy. I spoke to him for a few minutes on a shitty cell phone and I barely got in two words edgewise. I had no idea if he knew I would be calling, whether he knew of Cringe Humor, or whether he even cared, but that didn’t matter for him. It was like we were two buddies and he just wanted to make me laugh.

There was no pretension and no bullshit. There was no receptionist to go through, or manager to screen my call, or agent telling me not to ask about O.J. He picked up on the second ring, cursed when he dropped the phone, and then hit the ground running.

We talked about a recent charity appearance with Ryan Stiles, his adventures at the casino (“I got $500 on the first machine. It was an ATM.”), and how his dream is to host a game show.

He claims he’d be perfect at it and you’ll get no argument from me. He didn’t know me from a hole in the wall but he answered my questions about his dick with a laugh and had me eating out of his hand.

“I love where I’m at, and I’m not a cocky dude,” he said. “I’ve been humbled too many times.”

Most importantly, Kaelin gets the joke. He could’ve let himself become the buffoon he was painted as by the media, and get consumed by the allure of quick fame. He could’ve flamed out in spectacular fashion or just disappeared into anonymity, occasionally being trotted out by People Magazine for a “where are they now?” feature.

Kato Kaelin during a recent set at Sal's Comedy Hole in L.A.

He’s more than a witness to the Crime of the Century.

He took control of the punchline and turned it on its head. Instead of laughing at the feathered hair, the blank stonerish expression, and the odd first name, you’re laughing because you like what you hear.

You laugh because he’s funny.

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