Here’s to you, Slutty Female Comedians!
The following is advice from me to all of you wonderful female comedians that are climbing the ranks in New York City.
The following is advice from me to all of you wonderful female comedians that are climbing the ranks in New York City.
1) Who cares if you are funny? Odds are you are not. That’s why the good Lord gave you breasts, an ass and a vagina, and most of all a mouth. What your mouth lacks in humorous talent, it more than makes up for when it comes to giving head.
2) People are wrong to tell you that your looks will get you ahead. ALWAYS tell those people that you don’t need to rely on your tight pants or low cut tops to garner attention in the world of comedy. Your material IS that strong.
3) Be sure to make your headshots as sexy & sultry as possible. Men are more inclined to tolerate your sub-par act if you are easy on the eyes to them.
4) Remember ladies, the easiest way to get stage time is to use your oral skills on whatever show producer you’re closest to. Why earn spots the old fashioned way by being original and creative? Remember this equation: for every 5 minutes of sucking you should get 5 minutes of stage time. It’s that simple.
5) Male comedians REALLY do think you are funny and they are not afraid to tell you so. When that certain handsome comic flatters you, be sure to repay the favor to him on your knees. There is no better way to get yourself out there in the world of standup than by putting out.
6) You’re right; Rick Shapiro is a tortured genius. What better way to show what a great artist he is by being his latest cum depository for a week or two? You are such a rebel! And if Rick isn’t available, his equally zany twin brother Rob will surely take his place.
7) I’m sorry to hear the headliner you have a crush on decided to move out west to further his career. I am sure he will one day come to his senses, dump his girlfriend, and move back here just for you. You guys connect on such a mature level, and he TRULY does think you’re a talented comedian. Hang in there girl!
8) Damn girl, can’t believe you broke up with that comedian you’ve been “seeing” on the down low for years. If he even looks or talks to another female, you should have your unfunny cunt friends stalk whoever that ho is! Remember, being a comedian is like being in high school all over again. You should ALWAYS gossip and talk shit behind other women’s backs, but befriend them when you’re face-to-face. It always works!
9) Hooking up with all those comedians at your local club will further your career. That’s right ladies, it’s soooo easy to climb to the top than by earning a wonderful reputation amongst men who would NEVER talk about their sexual exploits with you.
10) Hook up with male comedians that have potential. What easier way to get to become a household name than to have a man who is making a name for himself? If he headlines, be sure to demand a middle spot on his show. If you are really good at satisfying him, convince him to start his own show, or start an open mic, that way you will get more stage time than Larry The Cable Guy! Git-R-Done!
That’s all for the advice now, chicas. Feel free to respond, and readers if you have your own advice feel free to send them to me also, it will be posted in a second installment soon.
If you’re a slutty comedian who feels that this piece hit too close to home, email me and tell me how I can’t get laid and/or point out how small my penis must be. I will gladly respond by calling you an unoriginal & typical cunt.
*Please note: We at Cringe Humor support many female comedians. There are some however that are not interested in being a stand-up comic, but use getting on stage as a way of getting attention for a talentless life. This column applies to them.
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Comments
This is why I only fuck comedians who can’t possibly get me anywhere in the business.
I wish I were kidding.
I have read this post several times and struggled with whether or not to respond to it. I know I will probably regret it, but here goes.
The comedy lover in me finds the sarcasm and misogyny of this post hilarious. The female comedian in me, however, has some issues with it.
What makes me sad about this post is that I know this really is how many male comedians view female comedians. I know I have been booked before for reasons other than the booker finding me funny, and when said booker found out I had no intentions of engaging in any sexual activity, I have not been booked again. In a way that’s cool with me because that’s not what I got into this for and I’d rather work with people who find me funny than who just want to fuck me. On the other hand though, it sucks to have to go through it at all. It makes me feel like the work I am putting into writing, performing and developing my act means nothing. And that hurts.
As far as your points on clothing and headshots, I am very confused. If my regular everyday attire includes tight jeans and low-cut shirts, should I not wear that on stage for fear of being looked at in a certain way? Should I wear a man’s suit or baggy sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt? And if I did, wouldn’t I be picked on mercilessly for being schticky and/or sloppy? In headshots, should I not accentuate what I have to offer visually in a visual medium? Should I ugly myself up/dull myself down or be wacky and silly in my headshots just so people won’t think I’m looking for cock?
The whole line of thinking reflected in this post has several times made me think of quitting comedy altogether. Of course I won’t because I’m not a pussy and if I quit they win, but it’s very disheartening sometimes. If someone is jealous of the gigs a female is getting or they think she doesn’t deserve the gigs for whatever reason, they automatically and openly assume that she is sucking dick for spots. It sucks, it’s unfair and I’m sick and fucking tired of it.
That’s all I wanted to say really.
Oh and you must have a really small cock. Like really really small. It must be really hard for you to get laid.
Thanks for the laughs
@ Amy. This was written a few years ago and still holds true to me. If you are truly gifted and original on stage then everything above is bypassed. This purpose of this article is to call out the women who rely on other methods aside from writing great shit and performing it well.
Dress however you want on stage, show off as much skin as you can, just be original and challenge the audience. Doing the typical hacky female shit isn’t going to cut it. That’s why Cringe Humor celebrates Laurie & Bonnie because they are themselves and let their material dictate just that. I have no interest in Sara Silverman whatsoever because her whole act is a character, and she uses her cutesy school girl charm to sell it.
Anyways, just keep doing what you’re doing and I plan on checking out your act soon as everyone raves about what you do. And I am not in this business to get laid. I’ve been with my chick for 5 years now, sadly
You unoriginal & typical cunt
-Patrick
Oh and everything I wrote above I have witnessed firsthand
Hahaha ok thanks Patrick, will do. Thanks for going easy on me.
Normally I think you’re a brilliant writer, Patrick but this piece is a little lazy. First of all, is that picture supposed to be a slutty comic? Really? You couldn’t get your fat ass to one of Lynn Koplitz’s pajama party shows or steal a pic from April Macy’s website? And I don’t think comics are fucking other comics to get ahead. It’s not the eighties. We have facebook and shit. Maybe we just want some cock and real guys think we’re ugly and smelly but comics think we’re slutty and hot when we’re wearing a tight tshirt and sporting a beer belly.
Oh Bonnie, I am flattered you stopped by. Everything I wrote above referenced nonsense I have witnessed firsthand in the business…and yes, the chick whose face is blurred out was/is one of the biggest perpetrators.
I would have hit up one of Lynne’s or April’s, but I will hold out until Calise does another performance naked instead.
Give me tight shirts and gunts on a gal any day
-P
Who do I have to fuck to get ahead? Wait I’m not a chick. still how often or how much do I have to get fucked to get ahead?