Road Stories With Josh Goguen - Vol. 1: "You Want Me To Give You A Blowjob?"

 
 I was working for a Comedy Zone up in Harrisburg. Actually, the town in New Cumberland, but any time you work for the Comedy Zone they like to pick the closest big city to make it sound like a much better gig when you’re talking to them on the phone. A perfect example of this is how Lebanon, MO is right out side Knoxville when in fact it is about 5 hours outside of Knoxville.

Anyways, this particular Comedy Zone is located in a great little place called Doc Holliday’s. Doc’s is a steak house, bar, comedy club and hotel. It’s really cool to have all that stuff right there because I could walk out of my hotel room into the bar and then to the club and back to the hotel room and not walk more than 30 steps. On the down side, this is all that New Cumberland has to offer.

Friday night was the first show of this two nighter. I go up and have a pretty good set. I don’t know what it is about those people up here, but this bunch of rednecks is a much better crowd than the bunch of rednecks in High Point (where my home club used to reside). This is however irrelevant to the story. 

After the show, I went back to my room to put my recorder away because, even though I won’t listen to it, I was briefly into recording every set. As soon as I step out my door to go back into the bar, this drunk guy who looks like Robert Blake is standing there. He’s just swaying back and forth and he asks me about where I’m from because he said he some time in that area. We talked for a bout a minute before I wanted to get back to the bar; I had a tab up to a certain amount and I wasn’t about to let it go to waste. 

I thanked the guy for seeing the show and he replied, “Did you have a good time tonight?”

“Yeah I did. It was a good crowd and I really just like this place.”

“You want to make it better?”

Hmm…this guy’s probably got some pot or coke and wants me to get high with him or something. I’m not interested in anything other than alcohol so I say, “no, I’m okay man. Thanks.”

“You want me to give you a blowjob?”

Blank. My fucking mind went blank. Never in my life have I been offered a blowjob from a guy. Not even at the fag capitol School of the Arts has that happened. Holy shit, this is weird and this guy is standing right outside my hotel room. He knows where I’m staying for Christ sake.

“No man, that’s okay.” I turn to walk away.

“You sure?”

Am I sure? Am I sure? You could have given me a quiz at that moment that only had 2 questions. Number one being, “Are you sure you don’t want this freak to blow you?” and number two reading “Does 1 + 1 = 2?” and I would have thought more about that second one than the first.

I tried my best to hide the shudder that went up my spine, “no, I’m okay, really.” After that I turned and briskly walked out the double doors into the bar. As soon as they closed behind me I was on the phone to my friend Julian who was about to go on stage at some other show some other place.

“Hey man, you’re not going to believe what just happened to me.”

“I’m about to go on stage, I’ll call you back.”

“Some dude just offered to blow me.”

“I’ve got a minute. What’s up?”

After that, I talked with the MC about what had happened and apparently this same guy did something very similar to him. He didn’t realize it because the guy didn’t come right out with the whole “you want a blowjob”. I guess he hadn’t drunk enough at that point.

He went and told security that, after unsuccessfully looking for this guy, told us that a friend of his complained about a guy in the restroom who’d offered to “hold it for him”. Well, on the one hand, it was still creepy, but on the other hand, at least he wasn’t stalking just me. I could go back to my room with out fear of some freak waiting to kick my door in while I slept and suck my cock against my will.

Also, just a word to the wise. If you’re ever in a situation where you’ve had a traumatic experience, consumed a lot of alcohol and then felt the need to call someone, if they don’t pick up, do not leave a message on their voice mail. It will come back to haunt you. Repeatedly.